I’m pretty sure this is going to end up a verbal vomit-ish post, because I feel like I have all these thoughts swarming around in my brain, and I just need an outlet to get them all out.
Thank God for this here blog.
I feel like we’re at a crossroads.
Have I said that before? I feel like I’ve said that before. But this time I really, really mean it. Really. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s a stirring in my heart that won’t go away. I know that sounds hyper-spiritual (especially if you’re not the spiritual type, but deal. Mm, kay?)
We’re just in this weird place where everything is up in the air and every time I think it’s going to settle down, it doesn’t.
A month ago, I honestly felt like our life was spinning out of control. I was so stressed out that I got a cold sore. That is how you know Erin is stressed out. Ignore her words of being okay and “giving it to God.” If you see a huge disgusting growth on her lip, she’s stressed. Hug her. Just avoid the cold sore. They are highly contagious.
Anyway, here I was with my cold sore, thinking that our house was going to auction, we didn’t have enough income to go anywhere but my mom and dads (which would be perfectly acceptable in any other country but America, by the way) and it felt like there was no way out. Then things started falling into place. The bank postponed foreclosure and was looking at approving us for a short sale. I interviewed for a job and it went really well. Geric started applying at churches, feeling he was ready to get back into ministry. We were on a path. It was good. New directions. Yay.
But now the bank is silent again, taking their sweet time and having us jump through short sale hoops. The awesome interview I had has also led to silence, actually an email a few weeks ago saying that the candidates would know by the end of the week, and then silence. I’m taking that as a no. Silence from the churches Geric has applied for and questions in his mind… is he too old to be a youth pastor???
And now everything is up in the air again.
And I’m praying my cold sore doesn’t come back.
I feel like God keeps taking us to this place. And I’m really trying to figure out what it is that He’s teaching me, because I’m sure once I do He’ll lead me out of here, right? Right, God? I’m talking to you, Big Guy.
But then it crossed my mind this morning as I was doing my quiet time, that maybe God keeps bringing us here to this place, because he has other plans for us.
Okay, here comes the crazy.
I’ve always felt drawn to missions. After my first trip to Mexico (when I was in junior high) I wrote in my journal that I wanted to win a million dollars so I could give it to the people we met. I remember feeling like I wanted to give up everything and GO! And I did almost every summer. My senior trip wasn’t a wild party in Cancun or Hawaii, it was a two week mission trip to Honduras. After college, I was directionless, and my first thought was, I should be a missionary, and it felt right. I remember sitting on a hill at the park, and it was just right. And I did. I packed up my stuff and moved to Honduras… to endure the hardest three months of my life.
And then I met Geric. I met him right before he left to go be a part of YWAM (Youth with a Mission) in Australia. He came home after his trip and ended up going back to work in Indonesia. And when he came back from there we really got to know each other when we were on the first missions outreach team at our church together. And then you have to take into account the place where we fell in love… on a missions trip to Mexico. I remember (once again) sitting on a hill and watching him dig out steps to the front of a house that we had just built and thinking, “I’m gonna marry that guy.” And lo and behold, I did.
Because missions are scary.
Honestly, I don’t want to go.
I don’t want to drag my kids to God-knows-where to do God-knows-what. And raise them to be weird missionary kids. (No offense Carrie.) I don’t want them to be in a place that’s considered “dangerous.” I don’t want to take them away from their extended family only to see them once or twice a year for a couple of weeks. That one seriously breaks my heart. I don’t want to be forced to learn another language, because that’s really hard. I don’t want to meet new people who are nothing like me and my American ways, and then try to be their friend.
But at the same time, I love Jesus. And I’ve come to realize that the only reason I’m here on this planet is to serve Him and glorify Him. And all I really want to do is run hard after Him and His will for my life.
I haven’t even talked to Geric about all of this, although I know he would have our suitcases packed in 10.2 seconds if I told him I wanted to go. Go where? Another unknown.
Now that I’ve typed this I want to delete it. Because I feel like now you’re all going to hold me to it. Like if I see you out on the streets (out on the streets??? That made me laugh.) But if I do see you out on the streets I feel like you’re going to come up to me and ask when I’m leaving and where I’m going, or if I wussed out. Don’t do that, k?
I told you in the beginning, this is all a bunch of verbal vomit that may or may not lead to action.
So, yeah, we’re at a crossroads.